[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
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*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.