Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
You Might Also Like
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.