I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
what day is it?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.