Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho