Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.