Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The Assassin.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
me and my fake scenarios
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses