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Tuesday
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Travel bloggers during quarantine
#Caturday
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt