Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.