Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.