[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
@ candidates for local office
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
No, YOUR illiterate.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.