Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
From Facebook just now…
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
why I oughta
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do