the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Inside you there are two wolves
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.