OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,