Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.