Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Autocarrot sucks!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.