No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
You Might Also Like
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.