Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I can fix him.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
When I snag the last meatball.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit