It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice