[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.