[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying