When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes