@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A new level of troll.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
🖤✌🏽
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.