MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
You Might Also Like
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.