Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
(2022)
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?