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There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
yall want some gasoline milk
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
*bites zombie*
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.