Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”