Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect