The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
You Might Also Like
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Any refunds available?…
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”