If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.