Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.