*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer