Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect