2022 will be better than 2021
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’ve been learning to cook.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.