The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans