If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.