dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You got this…
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?