Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”