Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha