Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My wife gives the best headache.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!