The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure