like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
three things we don’t talk about
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!