If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
had to make it
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.