I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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Flock of bats
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
LOL
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.