me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I don’t get marriage
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?