JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
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Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!