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With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley