When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
You Might Also Like
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
i love meeting boys on tinder
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT