I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
everyone has that one prude friend
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous