[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
You Might Also Like
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary