Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
the #horror is real!
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”